Random thoughts from a very, very long work week

I had many thoughts this week and felt compelled share them with the world

I’m not sure who this ramble is for other than myself, to put into font some of the more curious thoughts I had. I hope it makes sense and isn’t too fragmented, but I’m just going to go for it and type this in one go!

I worked a 50 hour week this past week. I usually do 30, so this extra 20 hours was quite difficult to get through. At the end, I felt a little like a zombie but my mind continued to ruminate on these thoughts.

I suppose the first big self-conversation I had was the very concept of working 50 hours a week. I am contributing to the capitalist wheel that so many of my favorite punk songs and artists decried and urged us not to fall into. I recognize the dichotomy there. I’m not immune to the fear of breaking away from our societal system. Though, I am getting closer to that. The majority of the time when I’m not working, I’m trying my hardest to focus without pressure on things I love. What I mean by that, is that I’m trying to be mindful and slow with the things I love — music, sketching, writing little poems. Though part of me feels I’m slacking and not producing enough, the other side assures me that the greatest art comes with time and patience. It wouldn’t be so enjoyable if I felt forced to do it. I do have mixed feelings about sustaining myself with a traditional job. I often dream about myself in the future, subsisting happily with a fruit and vegetable garden. Maybe a friendly cow to help me make dairy products. Now, is that practical for me and my brain at this time? At this moment, no. Unfortunately, I am too timid and afraid of being desolate or something. I try to tell myself that as long as I’m taking care of my needs, then the work part of my life is doable. I adore the idea of being a free artist, loving and living slowly and producing so much art and music. I’d spend much more time with nature and listening to it. Not that I can’t do those things now! I do as much as I can and if I’m rested. I just imagine more of a life that is free from many of society’s constraints. Call me lazy or a non-productive member of our collective. That’s fine, I’d rather be left alone with a few close friends who understand. I also often dream of just getting paid to practice guitar and listen to music. Wouldn’t that be grand?? Not realistic at all and I can see the different aspects of why that would be good or bad. Good for me, bad for society.

Another thing I pondered upon this week was my nature. I often feel too sensitive and anxious of the world. Maybe it was exhaustion (I don’t think so), but I was moved to tears twice this week at work. The first was at animals and how magnificent they are, innocent. They’re just doing their thing and people can be cruel to them. The trees and the weather is magnificent as well. Sometimes I feel like I might explode because there is so much beauty here and we humans have ruined a lot of it (at least in my limited experience of the world). The second time I teared up was at music. It wasn’t even a “beautiful” song by our standards, but there is a beauty to all music. What made me tear up was just the amazement I had. Music and these artistic things are just so amazing. So truly wonderful. So… cool. I started thinking about how awesome these sound waves are and how there are so many sounds and words and paintings and colors and mediums we can play and explore with. That is what makes humanity worth it. The fact that these things exist and we don’t really need them for our survival, but yet they are so necessary. I can’t imagine my life without music, art, books, movies, and art. So just the whole general concept of art and its healing properties brought me to tears. We are existing and we have the ability to appreciate it.

The main thing I thought a lot about over many days was how existence is difficult, in general. Every species and creature has to deal with a tough life. I was looking at the deer and how I could see their ribs and the fleas and flies attacking their skin and I felt bad. I saw two baby deer together without a mother. I saw many lifeless squirrels and chipmunks along the roads. Birds and snakes that have fallen victim to our cars. But also, I suppose that is life. Their lifeless bodies will contribute to the meals of other beings. It just makes me sad to see those things. But also, it made me realize that life and nature are indifferent. On one side there is tragedy and tribulation. On the other, light and wonder. I experienced a playful butterfly, at least I swear it was being playful with me. I saw a baby bear and its mother - in my car from a safe distance. Even the ants, carrying large pieces (to them) of whatever back to their little homes. That’s wonderful. Oh, I saw a flock of geese nestled together in what seemed like a loving, familial hug. These things are beautiful to experience in our lives and to see out in the world among the species. Even the way the trees grow and recover from lost limbs, little flowers where the cut or crack was. I suppose I believe there has to be balance, otherwise what’s the point? If all there was, was a horrendous and terrible existence, that would be pretty bleak and worthless. But to know we’re literally all going through difficulty in some way, as living creatures, makes it more bearable. And to witness those moments of beauty helps, for sure.

If you’ve made it this far and all that made sense, then that’s amazing and thank you. I know I’m not alone in experiencing these feelings or having these thoughts, but I don’t really have anyone to share them with so I figured I’d just put them out there anyways. So here’s to you, friend. 👋